Many times, you may feel like you’re not yourself. Your emotions may fluctuate in ways you don’t understand; your thoughts may be automatic, and you can’t control them; also your behavior may change in ways you don’t fully notice. The people around you may seem unable to recognize or appreciate your abilities and achievements, which can make you feel uncomfortable. Everything inside you seems unclear - you may feel confused and disappointed. It can feel like you’re doing something wrong, as if the way you act, behave, and react conflicts with what you feel inside. You may find it very difficult to pinpoint what exactly is happening to you, and it may take time to identify the reasons that are making you feel this way. Often, this unpleasant state can even become a trigger for psychological pressure that shows up as depression, anxiety, and many more.
What causes the disconnection from yourself?
The humanistic approach of Carl Rogers offers an explanation to the question above. Every person forms a particular image of themselves - their self-image. This self-image develops gradually through lived experiences and through the unique way each person interacts with and relates to significant others. Every person has a need for acceptance. Acceptance from significant others is essential for building self-acceptance within oneself (Tudor, E. L., et al., 2004; Rogers, 1951).
What happens, though, when a person doesn’t receive the acceptance they need from others during early developmental stages - and later throughout their development? What happens when their experiences and life events are not compatible with their self-image?
Then the person perceives experiences that are not compatible with their self-image as threatening and unpleasant, and tries to avoid them or push them into the unconscious, resulting in intrapsychic conflicts (Kitschenbaum et al., 1990; Hjelle & Ziegler, 1981). When this pattern occurs intensely and persistently, it can lead the person to feel as though they are losing their connection with themselves. In this case, it may seem that the person is trying to gain others’ acceptance, basing their value on other people and developing external conditions of worth. As a result, they act, behave, and respond in order to receive positive recognition from others - even if that means suppressing their deeper wants and needs. This can cause disconnection from their inner self and create false selves who they adjust according to others’ opinions and criticism. This situation creates an inner conflict within the self and leaves the person with the feeling of being lost from who they truly are.
How to Build Self-Acceptance
It can be helpful to feel accepted by others, and it can create a sense of satisfaction within me. However, when that becomes a highly important factor in how I define my worth, it can become quite dysfunctional for my life and for my relationship with myself. Therefore, there is no greater relief or freedom than being able to achieve self-acceptance within oneself. This self-acceptance is based on deep love, respect, and trust. It means that I listen to others, but I do not depend on their opinions to determine my value, because I draw my worth from my own inner resources, and it is separated from the positive or negative feedback I receive from the outside world. In other words, I have developed an internal system of evaluation that is closer to the essence and authenticity of who I am. In this way, I am also less vulnerable and fragile in the face of others’ negative criticism, which is sometimes inevitable - and as a result, I have better control and protection of my ego.
The question here is: how can I approach my true self, and how can I build a healthy relationship with myself—with as few inner conflicts as possible and greater self-acceptance?
To accept myself, I need to learn about myself, get to know myself, and cultivate a relationship with who I am. Knowing myself can mean understanding my needs, values, and expectations. It means knowing my goals and my boundaries. I stay as connected as possible to my emotions, my thoughts, and my behavior, and I recognize - whenever I can - the inner processes taking place within me. In other words, I need to be more aware of different aspects of myself. However, it isn’t enough to simply know all of this. I also need to learn how to act, express, and communicate these parts of me to others in a way that brings satisfaction across the different areas of my life. Being in harmony with myself means being able to communicate my inner truth to others and to experience balanced, stable relationships with the significant people in my life. Being myself means feeling that I act, behave, and think in a way that aligns with what’s inside me - which means experiencing fewer inner conflicts and contradictions. Being in harmony with myself also means being able to draw satisfaction from my life and to feel content with the reality I’m living, even if it isn’t ideal. Knowing and accepting myself means recognizing both the positive and negative parts of my personality, and being able to embrace both my strengths and my vulnerabilities. It means accepting my achievements, as well as my mistakes and shortcomings. In short, I form a realistic image of myself - neither idealized nor diminished - so that I don’t swing between extremes. Feeling like myself can also mean an ongoing, dynamic process of growth and improvement, with the aim of self-actualization.
The Journey of Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy can be a path that helps you achieve the above and develop a level of self-acceptance, self-esteem, and self-awareness that supports a higher-quality relationship with yourself - something that also influences the way you relate to others. Getting to know yourself can bring a sense of safety and confidence and strengthen your self-belief, but most importantly, it can reduce the inner conflicts and contradictions within you. The goal is to give yourself the opportunity to feel like yourself across the different areas of your life - as an unified, whole self - and to experience a more harmonious, deeper, and more meaningful relationship with this still-unknown part of you.
References
Rogers, C. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality and interpersonal relationships as developed in person centered framework In Kirschenbaum, H. & V.l. Henderson (eds), The Carl Rogers Reader (pp.236-257). London: Constable
Hjelle,.L,.Ziegler,.D (1981)The phenomenological perspective in personality theory: Carl Rogers. Chapter. 11. Singapore: Mc Graw Hill
Freire,E (2007). Empathy.in M.Cooper, M.O’Hara, P.Schmid & G.Wyatt(eds), The Handbook of person centered Psychotherapy and Counselling. New York: Palgrave Mc Millan
Tudor,E.l., Keemar, K., Tudor, K., Valentine, J., Worral, M.(2004). First principles. In E.L. Tudor, K. Keemar, K.Tudor, J.Valent ine, M.,Worral (eds), The person-centered approach: A contemporary introduction. (pp. 21-34). UK:Palgrave
First published: http://www.psychology.gr/personality/4446-den-eimai-o-eaftos-mou.html
Written by psychologist Mary Dede | 27/03/2020
